on losing a baby boy

Well, after thinking about this and talking to Trevor, we decided to post this after all. Its a lot to read, so don't feel like you have to get through it all.... but this is the story:



As most of you know, we lost our baby a few weeks ago. I feel like writing down my story here, in my little corner of the internet. I wrote in my personal journal, and I want to write here, too. I want to write this here in case someone else needs to hear of my experience. 

It all started on a Wednesday, I guess. I was barely 17 weeks pregnant, but I had been feeling our little babe move for a few days. It sure was a wiggly baby! But on Wednesday, I didn't feel anything... and on Thursday, I wrote this post. I still wish that I had followed those feelings and called the doctor earlier, even if there wasn't anything we could do...

So, Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. Just a routine monthly check-up. Going into it, I was pretty nervous. Deep down, I think that I knew something was wrong, but I didn't think too much of it. Then, we couldn't find a heart beat. That was the worst ever. I was all alone at the doctor's office with my doctor, who was amazing, and a few ultrasound techs, trying to find something... It was horrible.

My sweet doctor talked me through my options and I made the decision to go to the hospital that day and have my labor induced and deliver the baby. It was the only option that made sense to me, because any other way, we wouldn't be able to know what had happened to our baby. 

After I got in touch with my parents, (Trevor wasn't answering due to a morning meeting at his work) I picked up Piper at my mother-in-law's home and headed to our house to pack up for a night at the hospital. I was, to put it simply, a mess. Poor little Piper couldn't understand why I was so upset, but she kept giving me hugs and kisses and was such a sweetheart. My parents came, with Trevor (my dad drove him home) and they took our little girl off for a weekend in Park City.

Then Trevor and I headed to the hospital. 

At the hospital, we did one last ultrasound to double check and be sure there was no heart beat. And there wasn't. Then, after what seemed like FOREVER, we started to induce labor. 

The induction process was awful. Without going into too many details, the meds and that whole process was worse than the contractions. For ladies that might be curious, my labor was induced by having the nurses put a pill up in my cervix to start dialation. It was horribly painful. It took 3 doses of the pill to have much happen and I had to take a 4th orally as well as one nice big bag of pitocin. It took ages for anything to happen. 

I was going crazy. I was stuck in the hospital and everything was taking too long. Mentally and emotionally I was a complete mess until that baby was born. I was so scared that something would go wrong and I hated how long it was taking.

My water broke at about 10 pm. But the baby didn't come until about 5:00 am. It just took a long time. 

Once the baby came, we learned what had happened. Poor little thing had the umbilical chord wrapped around his neck 3 times. There was absolutely nothing that we could have done to help that babe and we take a great deal of comfort in the fact that the chances of this happening to us again are so so slim. 

We also found out that he was a boy. We were so surprised!! I was convinced we were expecting a girl! But, that was a pleasant surprise! We decided to give him a name, but I think that I am going to keep that to myself at this time. If you ask me, I'll probably still tell you, but it feels funny to share that here.

We had incredible doctors and nurses. They were so kind and helpful and answered every single question I had. I felt so well taken care of, especially from our nurse on Saturday morning. I couldn't stop hugging her when we were leaving. We also had a wonderful woman come in and take some pictures of our little boy. She also did his hand and foot prints and made some little molds. She was so so kind and has called to check on me and has been so helpful with dealing with our grief and things. It was a terrible experience, but we were so well taken care of. I couldn't ask for anything more.

our little boy's tiny hands

We were headed home by about 9:30 Saturday morning. We spent the day resting and taking care of each other. And Sunday we headed up to Park City to spend the day with family and pick up our baby girl.

While this was a horrible thing, we were very blessed. Thankfully, all of this happened over a 3-day weekend so Trevor was able to be with us. I wasn't ready to send him back to work on Wednesday, but thankfully we had some visitors and Piper helps me so much. 

Physically, labor was long. Longer than I wanted it to be... but the first few days home I was totally fine. On Friday I started having some more cramping and pains and things, and they got worse over the weekend. The doctors had told me that I would probably be feeling fine in a few days, so I wasn't expecting those extra pains and things. I did find out from another lady that had lost a baby also at 17 weeks, that she experienced the most pain days 7-10 after her labor and delivery. That was something that I wish I'd known going in to all of this.

The other thing we didn't expect, was my milk coming in. It has been really painful to wait for all of that to pass. Really painful. And with no baby at home, there was really nothing I could do to get any relief. I guess that not everyone has their milk come in after a still-born baby at this point in a pregnancy, but I'm sure it would happen to others. Ice and rest helps. But it mostly just takes time to go away. 

Well, that's the basics of what happened. I didn't include most of the emotional feelings and a few other personal things, but just know, that the emotional recovery is much longer. We are on a big roller coaster ride these days. We have plenty of good moments, but just as many hard moments. 

We have faith that we will see our little boy again and that we will be able to raise him at another time. I believe that he is with family and being cared for and while I'm terribly sad that we don't get to have him here with us now, I'm grateful for the time we had. This pregnancy was terribly hard on me, but we learned a great deal and have learned even more from this experience. 

I think that the most important thing that I have learned from all of this is to be kind. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle and we can never know what kind of trial someone else is going through. It is so important to be kind to everyone. 

That's the story. And I think that's all I"m going to say here. There are many things that I left out because they are very personal to Trevor and me. But, if anyone has any questions for me or anything,... feel free to shoot me an email at bonnerebeccalewis@gmail.com or if you have my number, give me a call. I find it very helpful to talk about my experience and I would love to talk to anyone else who is going through something similar. 

It is very difficult to lose a baby. This is the hardest thing that I have ever been through and I hope that I never have to do it again. I hope that no one else will have to go through this either, but it is something that happens. It is awful, but there are people to talk to and I am one of those people!

OK. I'm done. 

Thank goodness we have our little Piper! 

Don't know where I would be without her. 

She is seriously the greatest!